Thanks
The pineapple story
It was nearly the perfect pineapple. It was definitely the best one in the bunch. The eyes were showing yellow through the browning skin; the perfect indicator of ripeness. Grandma always said “make sure you pick the ones with the yellow eyes” (which might be how she picked grandpa too). Since she always had the best pineapples, the ones with the juicy pulp and the softened cores, I gotta trust her judgement. And because I trust her judgement, my pineapples are always the best. It’s just facts. Never have I overheard anyone else saying “This pineapple is so good!” to another person. But people have complimented me, they’ve thanked me, they’ve asked for more. See what I mean? If there were awards for picking out pineapple, I might not win (there are some amazing pineapplers out there) but I could be a contender. I’d make Grandma proud.
I’m not saying this just to toot my own horn. I’ve tried other peoples pineapples. It’s like they just grab the first one they see, tap it to confirm it’s hard as wood, and chuck it in the cart, for the rest of us to suffer through. “Great pineapple, Tammy. *crunch crunch* I didn’t know they came in green.” But, that’s not how I pineapple. I always pick the best available. And this time was no different.
Is it a ten? I give it an eight. Not bad, but better than all the sixes and fives they had at the store. Certainly not my personal best. But, it had some give when I squeezed it so I knew it was juicy. It wasn’t the biggest pineapple, but felt like it was the heaviest. I’d have liked the leaves to have a bit more wilt but, you know how it is with pineapple companies, they gotta pick them premature to shelve them before they spoil. So it’s lucky to find the ones that are just about to turn bad. The skin is brown, the leaves are beginning to wilt, and the core is soft. That’s when you can cut into them and get a squirt in your eye they’re so juicy. The perfect ones, you could almost cut with a butter knife. I usually find them at the Mexican grocers. But today I was shopping for the whole spread, not just out for pineapples, so I went to the actual grocery store.
Even so, I didn’t just walk up and grab any pineapple. I put some time and thought into this pineapple, which I had no intention of eating, but giving away. I’m just like that, you know? I care. So, like always, I inspected each individual fruit. You ever grabbed a fresh pineapple? One that isn’t ripe yet? There’s no juice in in it. It’s like a pinecone on the outside and all core under the skin. If you hack your way into one, there’s just these pulpy little eyelets staring back, begging for more time to soften up. Nobody likes eating that; nothing but hard, fibrous, plant matter. I’m no pineapple scientist (I wish!), but it seems like the browner the leaves, the sweeter the pulp. You wanna bite into it right before the juice becomes wine. So I wish these leaves had a little more age to them. But it was the best one at the store, so I grabbed it. And that selfish homeless guy didn’t care. He didn’t even respond with a “thank you” when I handed it to him.
Nothing! He just looked at me like I handed him a brown bag of discarded cat litter. This ungrateful bum only stared with confusion. It’s a pineapple! What’s confusing about that? Your sign says you’re hungry. Here’s something to eat. Are you a liar? Is that what’s going on? You know, I’ve always been real good at spotting liars. This guy said he was hungry but, I’ve seen pictures of the kids in Africa, and those people are super skinny with bones poking through their skin. They got flies all around them and they can barely talk. They got nothing. This guy could talk. And he obviously had some stuff. He had a backpack. He had a Nike shoe. He didn’t have a belt. That was obvious, but I bet he had a cell phone!
Can you believe it? I keep seeing homeless people with cell phones. You know the government gives ‘em out free now? People used to have to work for cell phones, now they’re just part of United States Handout System. But, even with how much it’s changed over the years, this is still America, last I checked. We are a build-yourself-up from nothing country. Think about the pioneers. They settled the whole midwest without any handouts. And they did it without roads. I mean, the land they settled was free, but they had to work it. That homeless guy isn’t stuck in North Korea. We have freedom here. He could sell his cell phone and buy some food. But, no. He’d rather sit there and beg. Like a dog. Which is probably how some people see him. But not me. Out of the goodness of my heart, I saw this dirty, disheveled man and thought What Would Jesus Do? Then, I thought about the feeding of the 5,000. And I thought about the verse that says what you do to the least of them, you do unto me. And so next I thought, I’m gonna grab him a pineapple. Which is exactly what Jesus would have done. When Jesus saw someone hungry, he gave them food. When they were sick, he healed them. When they were dirty, he washed their feet.
Now, I can’t do all that. I can never be Christ, only Christlike. Obviously, I wasn’t gonna touch this guy. He may not have been covered in flies but fleas were a real concern with this one. I gotta consider the safety of myself and my family. Did you know the whole Black Death thing started from fleas? It killed half the world. I heard it on a podcast. I can’t bathe this man outside the Kroger and bring home the next pandemic. I just got over my vaxx injury from the last one. What I had to offer today, to help this man live, was a pineapple.
What they want is money, though. You know how these people are. You give them money and they run straight off and buy booze and drugs and junk food and cigarettes. It’s not like if you give one of these guys $5 he’ll do something smart like invest in a CD and compound it at 7%. I mean, that’s probably what he should do, if he ever wants out of this mess. No, they’re too simple to handle money. They don’t know what they need. Sometimes, if you give them money, they’ll head straight to McDonalds and waste it all on processed crap instead of healthy options like nuts, whole grains or pineapple. Jesus didn’t give anyone money. Why should I? He offered food. Your body needs food to live. You can’t eat money. I basically gave this guy life, when you stop and think about it. And what response do I get? Two blinks and a slack jaw.
Look, I’m not expecting people to bow down and kiss my feet when I offer kindness. I don’t need a whole parade or anything. I know some people do. Some people go on and on about all their charity. It’s like *gag* enough! Not me though. I am a humble person. But maybe, just maybe, a small show of gratitude when you’re being helped would be nice. Is that too much to expect? All I ask is a hint of recognition that I didn’t ignore you like everybody else. I’m giving you a pineapple - no! the best pineapple. While the others just walk on by. It’s not like there was a line of people there waiting for me to leave so they could give him better stuff. It was just me and the pineapple. And instead of offering me even a sliver of acknowledgment of what I did for him, I was given bewilderment.
I’d have accepted as little as a simple smile. But this clown couldn’t even muster that. No wonder he’s out here, alone. A smile shows me that you see me as human, not just some vending machine that hands out free stuff. Smiles make people feel good. Who doesn’t smile right before digging into a fresh pineapple? The kind of person you can’t trust, that’s who. Imagine being offered a job and not smiling. I wouldn’t hire that person. Nope. That’s probably why this dimwit is unemployed. It’s sad, if you think about it. There’s no respect from these people.
Now, in hindsight, I gotta admit. I did not give him a knife. That may be why he looked confused, but he had a bad attitude anyway. You could tell. And, in my defense, you can’t just give these people knives. They might attack you. I’ve heard about it on the news. Obviously, it’s not every homeless person. Come on. That would be a bigoted way to think. I’m not a bigot. I’m just repeating what the news said. Don’t blame me. I wish the world was different. I wish I could hand out knives to everyone and we could all cut juicy, ripe, pineapple together. But, those days are gone. In the real world, you gotta find your own knife. And, to be honest, a knife is a great thing to have around. Everyone knows that. Except that homeless guy today, apparently. Honestly, it’s kind of weird when someone doesn’t have a knife, you know? What are they really up to? Because, in my experience, it’s best to have a knife handy. Seriously. You never know when you might need it to open a package, or cut up a pineapple.
I bet that’s why he’s homeless. He can’t even manage to feed himself, with food he’s holding in his own hand. It’s like Why doesn’t the world just give me everything for free and cut up my pineapples for me? Waaa, waaa, waaa. Cry me a river. Get a job! And you just know he could, if he looked. There are always places looking for sturdy backs to lift things, and this guy wasn’t in a wheelchair. I bet there are employers out there who would love him to march in, shake their hand with a strong grip, and say “I’m ready and willing to work, Sir.” And those places will say, “Son, let’s get you back on your feet.” And they’d give him a uniform, so he could get out of those gross clothes, and I bet they’d even front him the cost for a second shoe out of his first paycheck or something. Maybe they even have a warm shower for employees. This is still America, right? I know there’s places out there like that. He just needs to get up off his ass and get it done. And that’s what’s wrong with these people. They don’t try. Deep down, they’re just lazy. Everybody knows that. That’s probably why he just handed the pineapple back to me. Too much work to even feed oneself. Unbelievable.
Anyways, sorry. I just get bothered thinking about it. I’ll change subjects. But really, who even does that with a gift? Not even a ‘no thanks’ or ‘I’m allergic.” He just gave it back! That’s the last time I give anyone anything. I can’t even get a ’thanks’ in return anymore, you know? I learned my lesson today. Because now I’m stuck with this pineapple that’s - pretty good (I guess) - but definitely not the one I’d normally pick to serve at a party. I have a reputation to uphold. I wasn’t even gonna do pineapple tonight but I kinda got forced to. I didn’t have time to go to the Mexican part of town. It’s dangerous at night. Don’t worry, though. I washed it thoroughly after that guy touched it. So, I am sooooo sorry if it’s not perfect this time, but(!) I’m glad you could make it tonight! How cute is that centerpiece I found?